Stop the Insanity!

Dr. Jami Landen
Feb 8, 2018
3 min read

So often I will get a call about seeing someone’s child in therapy, and after the initial intake with the parent or parents I will end up seeing the parent for therapy instead. If you find that you say things like:

- “My child only listens when I yell”

- “I have to say things at least three times before my child listens”

- “My child can’t be punished, nothing bothers him/her, so I do nothing”

- “I never really follow through, I just want to scare my kids so they will listen”...

then the first step in changing your child’s behavior is changing your reaction to their behavior.

Children often behave in a manner that meets their current needs and continue with behaviors that work for them. Therefore, if having a tantrum gets a child what he/she wants, a tantrum is what you will continually get. Many parents will say, “I don’t know what to do, nothing is working.” My first response is to STOP engaging in whatever parent reaction is not working. I would rather a parent do nothing temporarily than continue the pattern. The definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Hence, why parents often feel insane.

Here are a few words of wisdom to help stop the insanity.

1. Breathe, realize you are human, and being human means being imperfect. That goes for both you and your children. 2. Take a step back from the issue at hand. If you are not sure what to say or do at the moment a behavior problem arises, give yourself a “time out.” This will give you time to think, rather than react. 3. You never have to give a consequence right away. You have a right to say, “I am really disappointed in your behavior right now. I need some time to think about how I want to discipline you.” (Remember, discipline means “to teach”) 4. Engaging in #3 helps prevent an overreaction to the issue at hand, an inadequate consequence, and a lack of follow through. 5. Try to make the consequence relate to the behavior. For example, if your child refuses to wear their bike helmet, they can’t ride their bike. If your child misses curfew, they can’t go out, etc. 6. Don’t give your child a consequence that will not work for you. If taking away TV time makes it more difficult for you to, say, prepare dinner, then do not take away TV time because you will end up not following through and your child will not learn. 7. Reveal the rules in advance and the consequence to breaking the rule when possible. Make sure your child can repeat them back to you and understands them. When a child knows what to expect, it decreases anxiety and helps them learn. 8. Not every broken rule or negative behavior needs a consequence. Sometimes the best consequences are the ones that occur naturally. For example, if your child forgets his/her homework, he or she will get bad grade. Also, some behaviors are best off being ignored. 9. Don’t repeat and remind your child. Constantly reminding your child to do something robs them of taking responsibility. “A child who is always reminded is a child who will never remember." 10. Most importantly, spend quality time with your child every day. Most negative behaviors occur in order to gain attention. Providing positive attention helps to prevent negative behaviors.