The Middle School "Cafeteria Club"

"You can't sit here, this seat is saved."

"This isn't your table."

"Why are you sitting with us, you never sit here."

"There isn't any more room at this table."

"Everyone, let's get up and sit over here instead."

Imagine your child standing in the cafeteria with their lunch, looking around, alone, wondering where to sit, feeling as though they don't belong anywhere... looking at the kids they thought were their friends yet nobody is calling them over to sit or willing to move from a group to sit with them. This visual may hit close to home because it happened to you as a student, or, has happened or is happening to your child. The Cafeteria Club does not discriminate. It occurs in public and private schools. It is happening in religious schools. It is also occurring mainly amongst the girls. This 30 minutes at school can feel like a lifetime for the students not in the "Club".

This feeling of social isolation in the cafeteria resonates with the child for the rest of the day and days after, because they fear it will continue to occur. Truth is, the fear is valid. I hear stories of girls trying to share seats so they don't have to sit alone or switch tables, which always ends in a staff member telling the child she needs to move, but nobody else is willing to move with her. I have heard stories of girls going to sit with a "friend" because they are alone, and in turn, that "friend" proceeds to get up and take the now empty seat with the group from which the girl moved from for the alone girl. I have heard stories about the whole table moving when a "non-group" girl sits with them. I have heard stories of girls at a table whispering to each other when a "non-group" girl sits with them or berates the girl if they take up a seat intended for another girl. I hear stories of kids running to the cafeteria to get the "best" table. If you show up late, you are standing alone with lunch in hand, hence, sitting alone or with a group that is not familiar.

The worst part of the Cafeteria Club is that if a girl stands up for herself, she is isolated even more, she is talked about more, and included less. If a girl from the "club" stands up for another girl, the same thing happens to her, hence, nobody is sticking up for anybody. I wish I was exaggerating, but I am not. These stories are true and real. My heart breaks each time a teenage girl walks into my office with this story. Yes, there are worse stories, however, for a teenage girl, social isolation decreases self-esteem, increases anxiety and depression, and impacts their identity.

What is the solution to this 30 minute school activity-turned-nightmare? First, as parents, we need to speak to our kids about lunchtime. If your child is not coming home upset, most likely, it is not happening to them. But this is where the opportunity lies. The girls who feel comfortable and are included need to be aware of what may be occurring with other girls. They may already know but do what they need to do to feel socially safe. This is a chance for them, however, to find a way to include the one or two less popular friends if they see someone is having a hard time.

One positive leader in this situation is not enough. There needs to be several positive leaders. Talk to your kids about what it means to be a positive leader versus a follower. Talk to your kids about how to stand up for others with either words or actions. Watch the movie "Mean Girls" with your child and discuss it afterwards. Now, more than ever before, girls need to learn how to stick up for each other, speak their truth, stand up for what they believe in, and stand by each other!

What do you do to help your kids when they have a "Cafeteria Club" type challenge? How do you encourage them to support others?